Desservo #11: I Like Cock

Yes, you read right. "I like Cock" indeed. Well, let's just say there is a method to my madness.

I'm sure all of you with email accounts are well versed in the history of email porn adds. I don't know why any of these nutcases bothers to send these things anymore: come on, even sweaty, credit-card wielding pornhound shut-ins know better than to open these messages up.

I remember back when the internet was still young and in its infancy. Back when I still dared to set foot inside those ludicrous chatrooms. Everyday, you'd commonly see a semblance, sampling, or combination of any of the following in your mailbox: "LIVE XXX HOT CHICKS BARELY LEGAL CUMSHOT BUTTFUCK ASS RAM ORAL EXPLOSION OF HANDJOB SLUTS!"

But after a couple of years, 'net porn entrepreneurs came to their senses and decided it wasn't working. So they got creative. I'm sure you folks can remember some of the following classics:

"I'm hot for you tonight."

"Suzie just turned 18 and she's ready for love."

"Some information about your account. Urgent, please read."

"You're a winner! Just open to get details!"

Once in a while, I'd wager the last ones actually worked (also, I checked the "Suzie turned 18" one. The chick had to be 23 at least. What a rip-off…also, I never wound up "winning" anything but a hefty credit card bill). But still, it didn't quite work. People are dumb, but not that dumb. So they just kind of gave up -- oh, but don't think they stopped sending those things out with undying fury.

So, as the story goes, about a week ago I was deleting a shitload of junk mail, when one of these humble porn messages catches my eye. The screen-name read "Buddah666" or something to this affect (well, at least he's religious). My heart was touched…a relic, no doubt, a once-powerful porno soul who had lost his spirit, who has given up trying to seduce email subscribers and sputters out with one, last battle-cry of hope:

"I like cock"

It was half-assed, simple, to the point and it made me laugh my ass off. Perhaps I'm the only one who thinks this is funny (which seems to be the case with most of my jokes), but to me there is great humor in opening up your email box in an otherwise uneventful morning and seeing "I like cock" proudly residing amidst a sea of junk email.

Well Buddah, I don't want what you're selling, and I didn't even open up your email, because frankly I don't give a damn, but you keep on liking that cock, and reach for your dreams...of liking cock.

Burn in Hell,
Desservo