Ask Drunken Dwarf #2

Welcome again, Vocephinians! Now I am starting to wonder...what am I doing this for? I am not paid. I do not get liquor for my services. So why bother? And then it came to me. I was granted the gift of eternal knowledge through booze. So it is in my best interests and the interests of others to share my godly wisdom. So write any questions you have to me at drunkendwarf12@aol.com or you will be left in the dark. Now onto the questions!

Dear Drunken Dwarf,
What is my problem?
Confused
Norfolk, Virginia
Dear Confused,
How the hell should I know!!!! Oh wait. Remember, Drunken, that you have godly wisdom...Your problem is you haven't had any alcohol today. So get to drinking!

Dear Drunken Dwarf,
I have really skinny girl arms. People make fun of me, and I don't like it. What can I possibly do?
Armstrong,
Butte, Montana
Dear Armstrong,
When I said godly wisdom, I did not mean I was god. Either spend half your life in the gym or gain weight. Either way, leave me alone and let me drink.

Dear Drunken Dwarf,
Who's the private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Brotherman,
Detroit, Michigan

Dear Brotherman,
Well give me a badge and you have the answer. Also, after a night of drinking, my dick ain't so private.

Dear Drunken Dwarf,
There is this guy I really like. How can I impress him to make him like me?
Love Sick,
Eerie, Indiana
Dear Love Sick,
Like I said last time, I am in the process of writing my book. In it it will tell girls how to impress guys. Since it won't be done till sometime in 2001, I will give you a little info from my book. All you have to do is get really drunk and then hit on him. I am sure he will be impressed by your initiative, especially if he is drunk.
Dear Drunken Dwarf,
I am living a lie. I spend over three hours a day refreshing my website to run the hit counter up, and I then tell people how popular my site is, and how much people love it. Also, I recieve several contributions for the site from various writers, and despite how terrible they are, I tell them they are good, and post them up anyway. I can't hide behind this facade any longer. By the way, I love your work.
Joe Cephus,
San Diego, California
Dear Joe(if that is your real name),
......................I need a drink. No more questions. Will do them another time. I need some liquor. Everclear sounds good right now. Or Bacardi....


Well, that is all I have for now. Remember! Send in those questions if you want to know the truth about this wacky world we live in as only a drunken dwarf can explain it!