Things We Don’t Care About Anymore, 2009 edition

by The One Armed Bandit


“Well, guess who's back in circulation?
Now, I don't know what you may have heard”

-David Lee Roth, “Yankee Rose”


It’s true, it’s damn true, after 6 long years, the WoV makes a triumphant return, akin to the second coming of Christ. Now to be fair, none of us ever expected to come back… actually, I kinda stopped caring entirely… but, much like an annual Saw movie release, apathy is no reason to not bring back a website that only us, our friends, some family… and the faithful *3 readers (the fourth reader tragically dying of swine flu).


Now, I know what you all must be thinking “so much has happened in 6 years, how can the WoV stay relevant, hip, with it and what not.” How can we recapture lightning in a bottle? I myself think back, to the humble origins of said website, the summer of 2000, and realise we are now approaching the summer of 2009, and I am a very different person, yet, somehow the same.

Since there hasn’t been in update in over half a decade, I decided to, well, rip off Vocephus to be honest, and do a new version of “Things We Don’t Care About Anymore” for my first article. Trust me, he had it coming, he stole my best joke for the roast years back.

So, without further ado…

Things We Don’t Care About Anymore, 2009 edition.


Terrorism- Apparently not catching Bin Laden yet is a good a reason as any to stop giving a damn and trying to find him anymore. Anything worth doing, is worth doing half assed I guess.

Iraq-Once the economy hit, Iraq fell to the wayside, as the hip, new “in” thing for America to be afraid of and pissed off about shoved it to the D-List. Recession is the new black.


Eskimos-Who am I kidding, no one EVER cared about those lazy snow backs.

SARS-

      “Dear SARS,

                This is how it’s done, pussy. 

                           -sincerely,

                                        Swine Flu”  

Drinking coffee creamers at 7-11-Granted, that’s a little old, but Vocephus and I are the only people I know who have been asked to leave a 7-11 for hanging around the coffee creamers and drinking them just because they were free.

The Altaire 6- A gimmick band that only appealed to members of said band.


Joe Cartoon-That guy STILL does stuff?


Star Wars-Thanks a lot Mr.Lucas. Bastard


Racism-The president is black, one of the best NBA players is Chinese, latinos becoming more powerful in U.S. politics show that minorities won racism. Eskimos still useless.

George Bush-That was a long fuckin’ 8 years, wasn’t it?

John McCain-HA! HA ! HA! HA! HA!

Sarah Palin-See John McCain.


And finally….

The WoV- Really? Did anyone care anymore?

Semi-Nightmares

Almost Comatose
by Gandhi Mangler

May 7, 2009


I dreamt I was at school and the class broke into groups of three to work on an assignment and I was not in any group.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at my parents' house.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at school and there were a group of visitors in the classroom for an open house and it violated the fire code.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at a college lecture and I berated the professor.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at school and the ugly kids were nudists.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was in Rome during Roman times at night and, instead of tall columns, all the buildings had three stories held up by rows of duplicate statues.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at school and I upset people by sitting in a seat in the auditorium that they were reserving for their friend.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at work.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was at school and I was seated next to some dull kid from first grade.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I was driving and I couldn't see the road.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


I dreamt I went to my high school reunion.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


When I was a youth, I dreamt that a group of Battle Beasts invaded my house, but they were on my side.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


When I was a pre-school-aged child, I had a recurring dream that I got into my mom's yellow-brownish station wagon, put it in gear, drifted down the block, made a right-hand turn down a second road, and slammed into a telephone pole.

SEMI-NIGHTMARES!


When I was an infant, I dreamt Poppin' Fresh was trying to kill me.

NIGHTMARES!

Hail Chocobots

Stolen
by Gandhi Mangler

May 2, 2009


Overshadowed in yesterday's news by Disney/ABC's $35 million investment in hulu.com, the Hasbro toy company has invested $300 million for 50% of the U.S. version of the Discovery Kids channel. Discovery and Hasbro plan to produce shows popular enough to compete with Nickelodeon, Disney, and Cartoon Network, with a re-launch of the channel in the Fall of next year.

Hasbro will form a production company to make shows that re-establish franchises such as My Little Pony and Tonka trucks, as well as capitalize on the G.I. Joe and Transformers movies. Other fare will include new game show versions of their board games, such as "Scrabble, Cranium, and Trivial Pursuit." Trivial Pursuit: America Plays, a syndicated show hosted by Peter from the Brady Bunch, has already ran a full season, and Scrabble was popular in the '80s, with host Chuck Woolery. Lamer fare includes everything that's already being aired on Discovery Kids.

Imagine the possibilities! Candy Land: the series, with Sid & Marty Krofft! NERF, a game show like Guts played with foam sporting equipment! Clue, hosted by Martin Mull! Win, Lose, or Draw with Vickie Lawrence! Tales from the Ouiji Board! The Mr Potato Head Mysteries! The Play-Doh Kids! A silly LARPing show based on Dungeons & Dragons! Risk: The Series! Jenga! Ants in the Pants! Fun shows!

Everybody knows the best kids shows are based on toys . . . everybody except the people at Campaign for a Commerical-Free Childhood. They released a statement, reproduced in full here:

Today, toymaker Hasbro Inc and the cable-TV programmer Discovery Channel announced that they will form a joint venture to create a TV network and website with new programming based on Hasbro brands such as My Little Pony, Tonka, and G.I. Joe. The following is the statement of CCFC Director Dr. Susan Linn:

This partnership represents a new low in children’s television, a network devoted to showing infomercials for Hasbro’s toys and games. It will make a mockery of existing ad limits and the current prohibition of product placement in children’s television.

The planned network is the latest indication that the deregulation of children’s television has been an unmitigated disaster for children and families; no longer do companies feel compelled to even pretend that their programming is beneficial for children or about anything but pushing product. We hope that the FCC takes a long, hard look at this new venture as they consider whether their current restrictions on embedded advertising are adequate to protect children.

New low in children's television? Has Dr Susan Linn never seen It's Academic or Saved by the Bell: The New Class?

Protect children? If that was the aim, there wouldn't be a television anywhere but the master bedroom! Protect them from what, fun toys that develop the imagination?

Restrictions on embedded advertising? Has Dr Susan Linn never heard of a puppet named Elmo? Dora the Explorer practically has her own aisle at Toys 'R' Us, the one that used to belong to Spongebob, Pokemon, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, He-Man!

The name of the organization is as absurd as the statement. They're campaigning against ad campaigns. They're promoting the idea to stop promotions. The desired profit from their work is to end profit.

There is value in fun, a great value.


When The Hasbro Channel proves successful, is there any doubt that Mattel will follow? Imagine new cartoons featuring Hot Wheels, Barbie, He-Man, and Matchbox! The Mattel-Mars Chocobot Hour could actually happen!

If I were eight years old, I'd be very excited.

Welcome Depression

Stolen
by Gandhi Mangler

April 29, 2009


I am the only person who will publicly say that a recession is good and a depression is better.



Unemployment
Rising unemployment is good. In the last century, it was normal for merely one person in a family to have an income. Only 20% of the population should be employed. Who would want to be a laborer, anyway?



Falling Prices
Companies who want to stay in business know that they can only squeeze you of what you have, because you can't get credit and spend what you don't have.



Environment
Less garbage is purchased. Fewer garbage products means fewer gallons of gasoline and water are wasted making garbage products, such as clothing and "food" produced with dead animals.



Entertainment
More people are stealing bad entertainment through the internet. Also, fewer people are purchasing professional wrestling pay-per-view events.

Idiotic movies make less money. Judging by box office numbers, only slightly less, but still less.

Incredibly-shrinking ratings and ad revenue have pushed television executives to actually consider the consequences of doing stupid things. However, they go ahead and do the stupid things.



News
With a variety of shooting sprees and numerous bail-out outrages grabbing the attention of the news media, I haven't osmosis-learned the name of any missing young white females since Elizabeth Smart was found.



Life
You have nothing and you will never have anything else. A depression pulls down rich people to your level. Your relative standing rises. All you will have to do is kill the super-rich.

Comatose Harder

Almost Comatose
by Gandhi Mangler

April 29, 2009


I've been kind enough to provide updates to a series of articles I wrote seven years ago.


Texas Broke My Brain: I was getting kicked out of college, but the climate was nice.

Though I couldn't explain why college is a waste of time and money, I can now. A college degree itself means nothing, as proven by the people responsible for the collapse of the world economy. For three years, I was paying to read and write and not learn anything.

Eight years later, I still owe $2800 to Sallie Mae.



Roy's A Dick: My uncle came to visit.

Granny Alzheimer's died a year later, which prompted another visit from Roy. Rather than talk to him, I attended the early wake.



My Ass Is Pretty and Other Observations: I took a road trip with the parents.

Last week I was thinking Elvis was more of a tool than I thought, but this article states I thought he was 98% tool.

I don't want success as I defined it back then.

Now that my dad has retired, my parents are acting like grandparents anyway. Unfortunately, I'm like thirty years old or something.



Into the Abyss: I aol-chatted with persons of the opposite sex.

I haven't sent an instant message in at least seven years.



Detrimental: I went to Lakemont Park, boaster of one roller coaster.

I went back a few years later. I played volleyball and had fun in the sun.



Unconscientious Objector: I went to a college football game with my father, brother, and nephew.

I haven't gone to another one. They, however, have spent a good chunk of their wages on season tickets, yea verily unto this year.



Mayor for a Day: I worked at a polling place on election day.

That polling place doesn't exist anymore, but I've worked every election since. By the end of each 13-hour day, I become a bastard. Electronic voting machines are a pain in the ass.



Get the Fuck Out: Tension rose six months after moving in with my parents.

Granny Alzheimer did move in to the house for seven months at the end of her run, the final month was spent at an infirmary.

I moved out 18 months after that, having been employed long enough to have enough money to leave.



Drifting Backwards While In Neutral: After a short WOV hiatus, I returned with updates.

I don't remember liking "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" enough to praise it publicly, but there it is. I haven't had cable in the last six years.



War on Saddam: I don't remember if I just re-posted an essay I wrote in 1998 or wrote a new article repudiating the stupidity of the right-wing war on Saddam Hussein. Either way, the thing is lost.

Soon everybody knew the scam: the right-wing started a war, with the help of ratings-hungry media. Saddam was hanged after a rush to judgment. Iraq has fallen apart without a strong leader, just as Gary Brecher predicted. But at least American troops are dying for no reason. SURGE!



On the Theory of God: I disproved God.

I've gone to church about twice in the last six years, which is peculiar because the church next door is my landlord. The first time was to hide easter eggs. The second was to give it one last shot. I could not disguise my condescending glee.



When skimming these articles, I found surprisngly few cringeworthy lines. I succeeded in honestly depicting failure.