Rainy Day Rant
By: Raphael The Contradiction
So one might ask what is the addition of two bears and two geese? Is there truly an answer? Can we ever we truly begin to understand the ribald habits of the ever insatiable bears with their genuine grins of modicum dissatisfaction as even they are those who cannot truly understand why they steal picnic baskets and scare Stephen Colbert.
In days when I see the rain I’m led to believe that the sky is falling. In a strange and unknowable way it both is literally and figuratively lunging onto the world with little regard for days when we were scheduled to dance the Macarena with the Macarenians. It races down in sheets with its garish attempts to do us in by way of murder at the very moment when we understand the key equation that pi multiplied by pie actually equals cake. Murder by rain cake is murder most foul indeed.
The clouds have struck down upon us with stern looks and abject neutrality towards our dioramas of the Ed Sullivan Show. Has our liberal use of the word “dude” finally gotten their raged brains into frenzies of bloodlust and chocolate jalapeño hot sauce? A liquid tailspin drains from the heavens, which threatens to engulf our shoes and melt the witches of Eastwick. Why the witches never got sun block is beyond me. On that train of thought sun block really doesn’t help against the rain. The rain is a slippery foe of much mental cunning indeed.
I sat on the couch untilled by the demands of the modern and heavily saturated day in the shadows of the painted parlors perfectly pitched into watery disaster but not in pointless pontification. Why should purpose to move be created on such a day when smiles are only seen on the faces of similes and allegories get all the girls. I guess rainy days were made for allegories and sunny days were made for Easter Island statues having Sunday brunch.
Undulating and seeing red the time is squeezed carefully out of a Casio digital clock in order to keep the leaves from flying south for the winter. Flowers can’t see the thoughts of psychic fish while a man berates a buffalo for having no wings. The power a name creates a nexus in which few intellects can escape to explain the truths about mad hatters and men named Doug. You know what I mean. At least I hope someone does. Psychic fish I’m looking in your direction.
Updated?!?
December 13, 2009 -- Raphael the Contradiction wrote something. I didn't read it, but you can.
Welcome to the WORLD
VOCEPHUS {vo-see-fuss]
1. VOCEPHUS; Vox Vocephus: Owner and proud proprietor of THE WORLD OF VOCEPHUS
2. World Of Vocephus: A website dedicated to Super-Fun. Dig it.
Since it's your first time, I'll be gentle...
THE DEAL:
Vocephus, as you may have guessed, is the person behind the raw, pixilated brilliance you see before your eyes. I write and maintain this site for no other reason but to amuse myself, and if the few souls that gaze upon my work find some enjoyment as well, then that's just a bonus. What is this site about? It's about anything I happen to find cool at the moment, whether it be a funny link I stumbled across, or a story about one of my friends, I'll put it up here. It's just something to do, really. A small on-line hobby. A good place to do some writing, and a little design and layout. No big whoop.
Everybody and their dog has a website these days...and actually, the dog's website is much nicer than mine, if you must know. I used to believe that no one deserved nor neeeded a personal webpage...a belief I still hold to, but I figured I would do my part in wasting valuable web space. Hey, it's free, ain't it?
THINGS YOU MIGHT WANNA KNOW:
Things are pretty basic. I do the lion's share of writing up on the front page (save for the occasional guest update). There's a bunch of features, links, stuff to read, and general amusement to be found throughout the site. If you see text that's white and underlined, that's a link to another site, in case you didn't know. They're all over the place, and most of them are pretty interesting if you'll take the time to check 'em out. Also, this site is updated regularly, so if you're here cos I said 'check out my website!' with a gleam of hope in my eye, don't read it once and never come back! There's gonna be more, and it's gonna be better, I promise! Of course I understand that you probably have more important sites to visit, so I won't take up your time. Also, any references to The WOV you might see, is just short hand for The World Of Vocephus. Oh...yeah, duh. Makes my life easier not having to write it out each time.
THINGS I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR:
The WOV has an ever-expanding staff of writers that contribute various bits of what-not on a semi-regular basis. I have no jurisdiction over what they write, how they write it, or general spelling/grammatical errors you may encounter. All I know is, they make this site that much more interesting and give me some original content to post. And they work for free, too! The fools! But if you read something by a WOV staffer that offends you deeply, please do not hesitate to get over it.
QUESTIONS YOU DIDN'T ASK:
Why is the layout/design so simple? Are you just not that good at making webpages? What is the deal?
The site is and has been very simple since its conception. Yes, it began as a lack of web publishing skills, but as I went on, I decided I liked it. It's a stark contrast to all those slick websites out there. Yeah, there's a lot of words, and no, there's not a whole lot of pictures (sorry, you visual people) but that's how it is. There will be more and more pictures put up here in the future, but the meat of the content is in the writing. Take the time to actually read it...some of it is pretty damn good (or so I've heard).
I can't read that awful text. It hurts my eyes.
Not a question, but fair enough. Consider this:
Reading black text on white background causes eye-cancer, brain damage, and may cause birth defects.
Can I link your site and/or tell all my friends how cool The WOV is?
Absolutely, by all means. It'd be nice if someone other than myself checked in on this page. As a matter of fact, I'll have some buttons and banners made up soon for easy link exchange, if you wish it. Tell your mom, tell your dad, tell your girlfriend--both of them for that matter--that this is the coolest site on the web. Or just tell them there's lots and lots of steamy teen porn here.
Why are you so vague about your identity? Like anyone other than your friends look at this page. Ha!
I took a course in website writing taught by Professor Gene Ray.
I can't stop reading your page! How can I express my extreme joy and gratitude for living in a free world where excellence of this calibur is readily made available to me on a daily basis?
Well, for starters, you can sign the message board. That'd be awfully sweet of you. And of course, you can send any and all electronic correspondence to vocephus@gmail.com. If you mention that you are really lonely, I'll be sure to write you back A.S.A.P.
Who are the "Faithful Four Readers" I see referenced so often?
Myself (I'm my biggest fan), mom, dad, and of course, you.
So...who gets to contribute to the site, and how?
Ya know, the doors are open to just about anyone for any kind of contribution they might have. To be honest, if I had to run this site all on my own, it wouldn't be half as interesting. Feel free to add to existing features, suggest new ones, or become a staffer here at the WOV. All arrangements can be made via electronic correspondence, or over a slice of pie.
~~So stick around, why don't ya? You might just learn something. And maybe...just maybe...you might learn a little something about yourself.
Cake Wrecks
Stolen
by Gandhi Mangler
July 1, 2009
This site hasn't been updated in eight weeks. That means Vocephus.com is officially back!
No doubt you've heard of last year's greatest blogspot site, Cake Wrecks. Why they haven't spent $10 on a domain is beyond me! [They did. --July 21, 2009]
Here are my favorite cakes on Cake Wrecks.
The cakes below were wrecked on purpose. The ones above probably weren't.
Then there's this one.
Things We Don’t Care About Anymore, 2009 edition
by The One Armed Bandit
“Well, guess who's back in circulation?
Now, I don't know what you may have heard”
-David Lee Roth, “Yankee Rose”
It’s true, it’s damn true, after 6 long years, the WoV makes a triumphant return, akin to the second coming of Christ. Now to be fair, none of us ever expected to come back… actually, I kinda stopped caring entirely… but, much like an annual Saw movie release, apathy is no reason to not bring back a website that only us, our friends, some family… and the faithful *3 readers (the fourth reader tragically dying of swine flu).
Now, I know what you all must be thinking “so much has happened in 6 years, how can the WoV stay relevant, hip, with it and what not.” How can we recapture lightning in a bottle? I myself think back, to the humble origins of said website, the summer of 2000, and realise we are now approaching the summer of 2009, and I am a very different person, yet, somehow the same.
Since there hasn’t been in update in over half a decade, I decided to, well, rip off Vocephus to be honest, and do a new version of “Things We Don’t Care About Anymore” for my first article. Trust me, he had it coming, he stole my best joke for the roast years back.
So, without further ado…
Things We Don’t Care About Anymore, 2009 edition.
Terrorism- Apparently not catching Bin Laden yet is a good a reason as any to stop giving a damn and trying to find him anymore. Anything worth doing, is worth doing half assed I guess.
Iraq-Once the economy hit, Iraq fell to the wayside, as the hip, new “in” thing for America to be afraid of and pissed off about shoved it to the D-List. Recession is the new black.
Eskimos-Who am I kidding, no one EVER cared about those lazy snow backs.
SARS-
“Dear SARS,
This is how it’s done, pussy.
-sincerely,
Swine Flu”
Drinking coffee creamers at 7-11-Granted, that’s a little old, but Vocephus and I are the only people I know who have been asked to leave a 7-11 for hanging around the coffee creamers and drinking them just because they were free.
The Altaire 6- A gimmick band that only appealed to members of said band.
Joe Cartoon-That guy STILL does stuff?
Star Wars-Thanks a lot Mr.Lucas. Bastard
Racism-The president is black, one of the best NBA players is Chinese, latinos becoming more powerful in U.S. politics show that minorities won racism. Eskimos still useless.
George Bush-That was a long fuckin’ 8 years, wasn’t it?
John McCain-HA! HA ! HA! HA! HA!
Sarah Palin-See John McCain.
And finally….
The WoV- Really? Did anyone care anymore?
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